The Old Quotes page
All the pics and accompanying soundfiles to have graced the main page so far,
starting with the oldest. (Click on the picture to hear the quote,
and click here for the most recent one.)
This quote is taken from Klutter, a cartoon about a heap of clutter come
to life. The situation: a group of children is trying to stay awake until 2 a.m.
to watch a horror movie, and to that end have put up a tent on the lawn. The
father of one of them occasionally looks outside to see how they're doing.
Taken from Yes Minister, a comedy about British politics. Humphries, the
minister's secretary, wants to quit his job. That's not quite how he expresses
Ned Flanders, filling in his tax form right on time on the first of January, and
telling his son what taxes are for.
This is one for Father's Day. Duckman has traced his biological father, a
paranoid redneck, and decided to adopt his lifestyle. His family, believing he
is being held against his will, feel morally obliged to save him.
A rather endearing one this time. Kermit, as the dashing swordfighter Captain
Smollett in Muppet Treasure Island, confesses his personal belief when
his sword slips from his hand and he feels the opponent's blade at his throat.
And another one for Father's Day! Although the Simpsons are fonder of their
father than the Duckmans, they're just as realistic in their assessment of him.
Here's a bit of wisdom from X-file investigators Mulder and Scully, taken from
the episode "Millennium":
From the first episodes of Blake's 7, that heady time between their
escape and the Federation's calling in major badguy Travis to hunt them down,
when it seemed that the sky was the limit: Vila asks some security personnel for
From the second episode of God, the Devil and Bob, which is about, well,
God, the Devil and Bob. Recorded from the BBC as, needless to say, this series
was banned in the US...
X-Files again: episode 6 of season 1, Mulder comments on the fact that a
suspect of theirs has just put some flowers on the gravestone of her former
From the highly anthropomorphic Antz: this is the kind of conversation
you can expect if you're engaged to a high-ranking member of the military.
The host of the show The Kumars at no. 42 greatly scandalizes his family
when he displays his new tattoo.
One of the presenters of Celebrity Deathmatch discovers a sign that their
guest presenter may be a deranged psychopath.
From Doctor Terrible's House of Horrible (or was that the other way
round?): the Victorian detective's way of saying "I meant to do that".
From the sitcom Frasier: After a minor infraction by his son and a quick
change of places, Martin Crane regrets what he said about that same policeman at
their previous meeting.
Taken from the Charlie Brown film where the Peanuts club go to summer camp.
Seeing these beds, I can imagine why someone would ask.
From shrink sitcom Frasier again: it's always comforting to be assured of
one's sanity by the expert.
A double quote this time to compensate for last quarter's non-update:
101 Dalmatians: while chasing ninety-nine spotted fugitives, one
pup-napper makes a remark to the other on Man's superiority to (other) animals,
which the obstacle they are approaching is about to prove wrong.
Chicken Run: a bit of semantic confusion between egg-farmer Tweedy and
his chicken-hating wife as the former is beset by furious fowl.
While the animated Jackie Chan gazes fearfully upon the dreaded Black Ninjas,
his companion destroys the whole ninja mystique with one cutting observation.
From WWII parody Allo allo: just what do Gestapo spies do in their
I have no idea what this series is called, but the reason this restaurant owner
gives for begging this girl to play waitress on the day he expects a visit from
a famous food critic suggests he will not get a good review.
Sole survivor of the Buffy Page: principal Flutie's musings about the Good Old
Days end in an insightful observation.
Baldrick explains his aversion of hospitals to Captain Blackadder.
Another one from Captain Blackadder goes forth: although Melchett
probably isn't referring to us wage slaves, I still emphatically agree with his
In The Powers That Be, Sophie Lipkin indirectly reveals why family
dinners are such a drag.
Yes Minister again, a tribute to last year's elections. Humphries
describes the essential qualities of a (prime) minister.
In Monthy Python's The Meaning of Life, "Part I: The Miracle of Birth",
the expectant mother finds that her timid offer to help is not appreciated.
This new year's quote features an ancient Eekstravaganza ep making an
obscure (to me, at that time) reference to the currently most popular man in
America, before he retires to make way for the next election's crimocrat.
From 2001 - A Space Travesty: a mistake that's easy to make, both in
reading and writing, about anyone who's held that office lately.
From the Muppet Show with Julie Andrews. No comment needed.
For all the creationists out there, accidentally subtitled in Dutch. A caveman
thinks he's safe from prehistoric piranhas on dry land, only to find they've
already passed that hurdle.
Three quotes this time, from a film trying to explain the phenomenon "guys".
First, a word on how toys reinforce gender roles, as studied by experts.
Second, a word on "guys". The picture explains it all.
Third and final: a "guy" tries to fix a leak in the basement while his worried
wife is comforted by a friend who is also married to a "guy".
What a fertile source of quotes a film can be. Three quotes again, but four
screenshots, from the film of the same name about Sacha Baron Cohen's latest
personage, "Brüno", showing the world how to heckle homophobes. I passed on
the "gay" jokes to instead show those that ridiculize the other target of this
film: the fashion world.
Brüno introduces himself and the magazine he works for.
Rejected by the fashion world after he made a fool of himself on the catwalk,
Brüno is no longer welcome in the hip clubs that he once frequented, no
matter how he begs and pleads. This one doesn't need a soundbyte: the subtitle
Vowing to regain his status, he goes to the USA and, true to his fashion
background, plans a photoshoot with children to put his newly adopted African
baby in the limelight. The parents remain remarkably unconcerned both about the
requirements for their baby models and the costumes they will wear.
When even that fails and he ends up childless and deserted even by his faithful
assistant Lutz, he sees something in a shopfront that pulls him out of his
depression. This one pokes fun at both MySpace and Scientology.
For the dark winter months, some insights from the film Beowulf, which
puts the Old English epic of the same name into pictures, quotes it, questions
it and ultimately inverts it.
After a long, empassioned and somewhat testosterone-driven speech by the hero on
how he is going to punish the monster Grendel, his reply to a sceptical native
lets on that brains are worth more than brawn.
To warm up the audience's enthusiasm before serving the main course, the
original epic extolled Beowulf's great strength and swimming prowess. Beowulf
has a different view on the matter.
Their work done, the Geats sail home, the bard composing the tale of their
heroism with a little Christian imagery snuck in. And a little hypocrisy.
Just one quote this time: the only funny line in Boytown, a comedy film
about the members of a former boy band who want to make a comeback.
What do you get when you mix dinosaurs and old-world British humour? The
Lost World is not a comedy, but with two driven scientists, a safari-going
aristocrat, a young journalist on his first big assignment and a jungle-wise
girl to look after them, it's surprisingly entertaining.
How being chased by a dinosaur can resemble the chase scene in a Bugs Bunny
After climbing out of the trap in which the journalist, the girl and the
dinosaur have fallen, killing the latter, the journalist reacts as only a
British gentleman can.
If you can hear it over the howling apes and shouting natives: Professor
Challenger shows what a forgiving breed scientists are (to anything that is a
rare species) when explaining to Lord Roxton why he refuses to let anyone kill
the hominids that captured him earlier.
Unable to record anything new, I pulled a quote from 2005 off the old Buffy
Page: Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV series) complaining
about the extra jobs the headmaster gives her, yet snapping into action when
Giles needs her hacker skills. The page is gone, but the quote is too good to
From Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: a therapist trying to
improve a father-son relation finds that this is not so easy when the father is
Balls of Fury is the heartwarming story of a loud, obnoxious American
fatty who, as per Hollywood directive, wins against incredible odds and gets the
girl - but not before having been humiliated in every way possible. The balls
referred to are those used in ping-pong.
Invited into the den of Feng, a Triad (Chinese mafia) boss and ping-pong
fanatic, the American, Randy Daytona, is offered one of Feng's courtesans by his
evil henchwoman. It's long, but worth hearing out to the end.
The film ridicules not only American but all sorts of stereotypes, like the
Chinese wise old man. Here, Randy's mentor (who is blind, hence his other senses
are enhanced) thinks he's putting down an uppity rival.
Of course the star of the film is Christopher Walken as Feng, explaining to the
dumb American what the audience understood the moment the matches were announced
as "elimination, sudden death".
While cleaning out some USB pendrives, I came across two soundbytes from The
Powers that Be, a mildly satirical series about a politician, his advisors
and his dysfunctional family. The first is dedicated to every presidential
election, ever. The second, to the annual end-of-year merriment that I always do
my best to avoid.
Not immediately funny, but depending on running gags, vulgarity and an absurd,
Monty Python type humour is The Ten, an alternative illustration of the
Ten Commandments by a hen-pecked husband whose marriage is disintegrating
onstage, while the morality of his parables is ambiguous if not downright
puzzling. Well, it was good for two one-liners.
The surgeon who deliberately left a pair of scissors in a patient, finally
runs into someone who understands his sense of humour.
It's not so much what's being said, as who's saying it.
The quotes are out of the boxed set of five seasons of Agatha Christie's Miss
Marple, because I liked the Oberon Media adaptation of Hercule Poirot's
adventures, and expected to similarly drift away in a fantasy world of genteel
British tea-sipping against a backdrop of former glory and old money while
watching this lot. Although the murder mysteries were cleverly constructed, and
there is a certain amount of dry wit - especially from the turtle-necked and
somewhat sly original Miss Marple, as opposed to the solemn "withered English
rose" type who replaced her from the fourth season onwards - I felt a certain
dissonance of cultural values in being expected to like the kind of creepy, nosy
little villages she operates and lives in (I live in one myself, and don't enjoy
it) and condemn the murderers, even those who killed out of love or revenge or
both, while admiring the former British Empire, itself founded on
government-approved mass-murdering, and the "war heroes" (since the time frame
is just after the Second World War) who racked up a far higher body count, and
got a medal for it. But at least the set will keep me in quotes for two updates,
starting with the first two quotes that each needed three pictures to make any
In keeping with the Christmas season, a small ballet troupe is rehearsing the
Nutcracker ballet. The dancer playing the Sugar Plum Fairy is gently reproached
for not moving gracefully enough, and her co-star, less gently for expressing
Even though Agatha Christie's mysteries tend to indulge in nostalgia for the
Good Old Days, the crafty and mischievous Miss Marple of the first three seasons
shows that she is not quite ignorant of modern slang.
One last quote from the Miss Marple boxed set: the immediate reaction of a
woman who hears of her father's death.